I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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