I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
