Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
