The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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