the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i think my mom watched the whole time
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
