I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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