We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Swine flu is the new snow day.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
