party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
