all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
