hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
