I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
