I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
