My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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