textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
FUCK WHALES
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
