Whatcha textin bout Willis?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
