Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
