How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
