I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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