You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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