it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
