My sheets look like a crime scene.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Less talking, more tequila
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
