Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
