giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
