i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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