I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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