Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I fill condoms, not promises.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
