cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
