guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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