I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize