It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The uberlube is also flammable
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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