dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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