just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
