I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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