You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize