Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
