I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
