i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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