omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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