You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
