a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
