just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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