I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize