This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
