he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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