i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
