I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
