I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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