Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
