Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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