Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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