I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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