believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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