bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize