you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
