the condom got lost in my hair
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
