That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
