do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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