if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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