I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
