I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
