Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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