my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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