my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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