Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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