Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize