i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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