Pants 0. Shit 1.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize