She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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