she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
