Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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